I Can't Let Go
by FollowYourDreams97
Summary: Phil was attacked, and he's gone. Dan tries to carry on, but ultimately it doesn't feel worth it anymore. Heavy angst with a hint of fluff. Phan.


I Can't Let Go

Dan and Phil were sat together on the couch watching anime. Dan continued to fill in the Japanese dialogue with his own improvised dialogue since the episode was a rerun. Phil laughed through it and tried to add in his own lines, but he preferred Dan's humor to his own.

"Dan," said Phil as he wrapped his arm around Dan. "You know I love you, right?"

Dan snuggled up to Phil and planted a peck on his nose. "Of course I know that. I love you too." He leaned in and pressed his lips to Phil's. Phil kissed back as he snaked his arm around Dan and pressed the younger man down onto the couch. Dan wrapped his arms around the small of Phil's back and smiled into the kiss. Things couldn't be more perfect.

That's when Dan woke up. He sat up in bed and immediately burst into tears. He was so sick of it. Why couldn't he stop dreaming about the past? It's not like he could go back. Slowly, he crawled out of bed and started turning on the lights around the apartment. He hated the dark to begin with, but now being alone made it even worse. Phil was no longer there to protect him.

Dan sat on the couch and started looking through pictures. He knew it wouldn't help and would only make him cry more, but he needed to get all of his tears out now. In the morning, he had some important meetings to attend. Since "The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire" hadn't been released yet, they were working on a tribute page for Phil. Dan knew he would have to hold it together the next day.

 _Guess it was not meant to be  
It's not as bad as it seems  
It only burns when I breathe  
Yeah, yeah, yeah  
You saw the way that I fell  
But I'm better off by myself  
That's the tale I like to tell_

The next day eventually came, and Dan attended the meeting. He was able to answer all of the questions asked about Phil. They wanted to know everything from his favorite color to his most hated foods. Every detail would help when it came to putting the tribute page together.

Every single moment was unbearable. Dan didn't want to answer questions. He didn't want to acknowledge that Phil was gone. If it hadn't been for the rest of the world, Dan would have preferred to live in denial than to deal with being alone. He'd rather die than keep living his life without his other half.

 _But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye  
And everything in me wants you back in my life  
Can't let you go  
Can't let you go  
Can't let you go_

Dan returned home from the meeting, but it didn't feel like home anymore. It felt like coming back to empty walls decorated with failed attempts at redeeming precious memories. Nothing could bring Phil back, no matter how hard he tried. Dan was distraught. He wanted so badly to go to the memorial that had been put up where Phil had been attacked, but it was overrun with fans, and he didn't want to see anyone. He just wanted to be alone with Phil again.

 _It feels like the dawn of the dead  
Like bombs going off in my head  
Never a moment of rest  
Yeah, yeah, yeah  
Nothing kills more than to know  
That this is the end of the road  
I know I've got to let go_

Sometimes Dan wished that he had never signed onto YouTube. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have discovered Amazingphil. He wouldn't have found some dorky British guy that made him laugh and smile. He could have gone his whole life without Phil, because he would rather never know love than have it ripped away by the cruel world.

Dan wished he could bash his skull in and forget the past 6 years of his life. It would be easier to forget and be alone forever, than to deal with the constant burning ache. He has always thought of the world as a black hole, but never in his life had his existence felt so _dark._

 _Wish I could just find a way  
To have all your memories erased  
'Cause constantly they're haunting me_

Late into the night, Dan did visit the memorial. He knew it would be empty; everyone was asleep. Once he was there, he sat down and put Phil's favorite stuffed lion by his picture. He poured Phil's favorite drink, and placed a bunch of Phil's favorite books down as well. For a while, Dan just sat there. He talked to Phil like he was there. For a split moment, he felt like Phil was with him again, but then that moment was gone, and the pain returned at full force.

 _But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye  
And everything in me wants you back in my life  
Can't let you go  
Can't let you go  
Can't let you go_

Dan sent loving text messages to everyone that night. He called his mother and told him he loved her and his father. He emailed the rest of the answers to the publishers of his book. No one quite understood. No one knew that Dan had gone to the memorial. No one knew he wasn't coming back.

 **Disclaimer: The song used in this fic is "Can't Let You Go" by Adam Lambert. I do not own it.**


End file.
